Transcript: 6 Phrases Parents Say Daily — Could They Damage Your Child’s Confidence?

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Have you ever found yourself saying things like, “calm down, “be careful”, or “use your words”, and it just makes everything worse?

If you are a first time mom, you are not doing anything wrong. These are phrases most of us grew up hearing and many of us use them without thinking. But today I want to gently explore whether they’re actually helping our children or unintentionally making things harder.

Hi, I’m Helen Thompson, a childcare educator with over 20 years experience, and this is First Time Mum’s Chat. A podcast created to support moms right at the beginning of their parenting journey when everything feels new, emotional, and sometimes overwhelming.

In this episode, we’re gonna talk about the everyday language we use with our toddlers, especially in emotional moments, and how small changes in the words we choose can help children feel safe, heard and understood.

We will unpack common phrases like, “you’re fine,” “because I said so,” and “good job,” and I’ll share what to say instead in a way that supports emotional regulation, confidence, and problem solving from the very beginning.

So here’s a question to hold as we begin:

What if your child isn’t being difficult, but is actually asking for help in the only way they know how?

So let’s dive in.

When you are a first time mum, it can be really tempting to tell your child to calm down. Maybe they’ve fallen over.

Maybe they’re having a tantrum.

Maybe they’re just sad and to us it doesn’t feel like a big deal.

But here’s the key to helping your child calm down more quickly and learn to understand their feelings.

When your child is upset about something that feels small to you, it can feel very big and confusing to them. Telling them to calm down might feel like the easiest solution in the moment, but what small to you can feel overwhelming to a child.

Brushing off their feelings can make them feel ignored or like their emotions don’t matter.

In some cases, children may even begin to doubt their own feelings or learn to suppress them. So instead of saying, “calm down” or “it’s no big deal,” try acknowledging how they’re feeling.

Let them know you are listening. Let them know you understand, even if the problem feels minor to you.

When we pause and acknowledge how our child is feeling, we’re not agreeing with the behavior, we’re recognizing the emotion behind it.

And this is where the real calming begins.

A child who feels heard doesn’t need to shout louder or escalate to be understood. When we say things like, ” That was really upsetting for you,” or “I can see how frustrated you are,” we help their nervous system settle.

Over time, children learn something incredibly important. My feelings are safe here.

And when children feel safe, they’re far more open to listening, learning, and cooperating.

As a childcare educator, I’ve seen many parents do the opposite, and they say to me, “But my child doesn’t listen.”

The truth is, when we listen to our children and acknowledge them, they learn to do the same.

Another phrase I hear often is “bye, I’m leaving now,” or “I’m leaving without you.”

Think for a moment about what your child might feel when they hear those words.

Toddlers don’t see this as a bluff or a strategy to get out the door quickly. They believe it could really happen.

This can send a message that your love and presence are conditional. If I don’t behave properly, my parent might leave.

As adults, we know that isn’t true, but does your child?

Those thoughts can make toddlers feel anxious and insecure.

So here’s a question to gently sit with:

What do you think your child hears when you say those words?

Instead of scaring them into leaving, try acknowledging their feelings first.

You might say, “You’re having so much fun, it’s hard to leave.”

Then gently set the boundary: “It’s time to go home now.”

And to make leaving easier, talk about something positive, waiting at home, playing a favorite game, baking together or seeing someone they love.

Just make sure you follow through on what you say. Toddlers remember.

Then offer two choices so they feel part of the process:

For example, ” Would you like to hold my hand or would you like me to carry you?”

If it’s still hard, acknowledge again and help them leave calmly:

“Leaving is hard. I’m gonna help you now.” And physically pick them up and take them to the car or wherever you are going.

This approach reduces stress for both of you and strengthens your connection.

Next, let’s talk about the phrase, “be careful.”

Before we say it, it’s worth asking ourselves:

Am I supporting my child’s safety right now, or am I passing my fear onto them?

Instead of saying, “be careful,” try being specific.

If they’re swinging a stick, say, “Put the stick down, you might hurt someone.”

If they’re climbing, guide them to think about their own safety:

” Do you feel steady up there?”

“I’m right here if you need me.”

This helps children learn to assess risk without fear.

Another phrase many of us use without thinking is “you’re okay” or “you’re fine”.

We usually say this to reassure our child, especially when they’ve hurt themselves or they’re upset. And it almost always comes from a loving place.

But it’s worth pausing to ask whether it actually feels reassuring to them.

If your child is crying, it’s because something genuinely hurt or frightened them. And when we quickly say “you’re okay,” it can unintentionally send a message that what they’re feeling isn’t important or that they shouldn’t trust what their body is telling them.

From a child’s perspective, this can feel confusing.

They’re feeling pain or distress in their body, but the adult they trust is telling them they’re fine.

So here’s a question to gently sit with:

What might your child be learning about their body and their feelings in that moment?

Over time, this disconnect can teach children to doubt their own internal signals instead of listening to them.

This is very similar to what happens when we tell children to “calm down.”

The feeling doesn’t disappear, it just goes unacknowledged.

Instead of brushing past a moment, try naming what happened.

You might say,

“That hurt.”

“That was a big fright.”

“I can see you’re upset.”

Then offer comfort.

When we acknowledge the experience first, children learn that their feelings make sense and that someone will help them through these moments.

Over time, this builds trust.

Not just in us, but in themselves.

Another popular phrase is “use your words”, and this is a big one.

Remember, toddlers are still learning language. When we say, “use your words”, for a toddler, this moment can feel incredibly frustrating.

They have big feelings moving through their body, but not enough language yet to explain what’s happening. They know something feels wrong, but they don’t know how to tell us.

When we say “use your words,” and they don’t have those words, this frustration can build even more. That’s often when we see behaviors escalate, not because they’re being difficult, but because they’re stuck.

When we step in and gently name what we think might be happening, we become the bridge between their feelings and their future language.

And over time that support becomes their inner voice.

They may not know what words to use, and if they did, they probably already would. Instead help them by labeling feelings and offering simple choices.

Ask things like:

” What do you need?”

” Can you show me?”

” Would you like a cuddle?”

When we help toddlers to put words to their feelings, we’re doing much more than calming the moment, we’re teaching life long skills.

Each time we do this, children learn that emotions can be understood and worked through, not ignored or feared.

This is the foundation of emotional intelligence.

The next phrase is “good job.” Praising children is important. But how we praise them matters.

When we focus praise mainly on intelligence, “you’re so clever” or “you’re so smart”, children can quietly begin to feel pressure to always get things right.

From a child’s perspective, this can sound like there’s a standard they have to keep meeting.

They may start to wonder, what if I can’t always do this?

What if I get it wrong?

Will mom or dad be disappointed?

Over time, this fear can lead children to stick to what they already know they’re good at, avoiding new challenges so they can keep feeling “smart” or “successful”.

And when children avoid challenges, they miss out on important learning experiences.

And I want you to pause here as I say this gently, this is something I’ve struggled with too. I still catch myself saying, “good job” or “you’re so clever” without really thinking.

Most of us do.

It comes from love and pride, not from doing anything wrong. But once we understand how children can hear these words, it gives us the opportunity to shift without guilt and without needing to be perfect.

Instead of focusing praise on intelligence, we can focus on effort, persistence, and problem solving.

For example, you might say,

” I noticed you kept trying to solve that puzzle even when it got tough. That took a lot of persistence.”

Or,

” You’ve worked so hard on that drawing. I could see how focused you were. Can you tell me more about it?”

You can acknowledge problem solving, such as,

“You found a creative way to build that tower, even when it kept falling down.”

This kind of praise reinforces the value of effort and learning, encouraging children to keep exploring, trying and growing rather than feeling they have to be perfect.

And this brings me to another phrase that often slips out when we’re tired, rushed, or overwhelmed as parents and carers. And that is “because I said so.”

At first glance, it can feel like the quickest way to end a conversation, but it’s worth pausing to think about what this phrase might be teaching our child.

From a child’s perspective, “because I said so” can sound like their curiosity doesn’t matter. It can suggest that asking questions isn’t welcome, and that understanding reason behind decisions isn’t important.

Over time, children may learn that their thoughts and opinions don’t have a place in the conversation and that questioning or wanting to understand is something to stop doing.

So here’s the question to gently sit with. What might your child be learning about curiosity questions and their voice when they hear those words?

And that’s not because parents are doing anything wrong. It’s often because we’re overwhelmed and just trying to get through the moment.

Instead of shutting the conversation down, try sharing the reason behind your decision when you can.

For example, if your child wants to go to the playground, but you are busy, you might say, “I know you really want to go to the playground today, but I have some things I need to do at home. How about we plan to go tomorrow?”

And if you say tomorrow, it’s important to keep your word whenever possible because toddlers remember. They have memories like elephants.

Or you might say, ” I know you want to go out right now, but I need to finish the washing. Would you like to help me?”

When we explain our reasons, we’re not giving up boundaries.

We’re showing our children that the feelings and questions are valid, even when the answer is still no.

This helps children feel respected, heard, and included while still learning that limits are part of everyday life.

As we come to the end of this episode, I want to gently remind you of one simple idea. The way we speak to our children shapes how they understand themselves, their emotions and the world around them.

By choosing language that acknowledges, guides and supports, we’re not just managing behavior, we’re raising emotionally secure humans.

And that is so powerful.

None of us speaks perfectly.

I don’t.

You won’t.

And that’s perfectly okay.

But what really matters is noticing, pausing and slowly choosing words that help our children feel safe, heard and understood, especially in the everyday moments that don’t feel like a big deal at the time.

So here’s a question I’d love you to sit with after listening today:

What’s one phrase you’ve noticed yourself using and what might you like to try instead next time? If this episode has resonated with you or it’s stirred something for you, I generally love to hear from you.

You can leave me a short voice message using SpeakPipe, whether it’s a thought, a question, or a moment that made you pause. There’s no pressure to be polished or prepared. Just real, honest reflections are always welcome.

And if you know another mom who ‘s right at the beginning of her parenting journey and might need to hear this, feel free to share the episode with her.

And if you’d like to keep these conversations going, you can subscribe to First Time Mum’s Chat on your favorite podcast platform, or find me on YouTube where I’ve started sharing longer reflections and supportive conversations this year.

You are doing important work even on the hard days and I’m really glad you are here.