Transcript: Tips and Strategies to Stop Being An Overwhelmed Mom

This is a text transcript from The First Time Mum’s Chat podcast. The episode is called Tips and Strategies to Stop Being An Overwhelmed Mom and you can click on the link to view the full episode page, listen to the episode and view the show notes.

Helen Thompson: This is Helen Thompson. Thank you for being here today. If you are already subscribed to the show, thank you so much, mums, you always are amazing and if you are here for the first time, make sure you subscribe to the show. You will find First Time Mum’s Chat on all the main platforms including Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon, as well as now on YouTube.

I think it’s fair to say that many of us spend too much time comparing ourselves to others, often coming up short. A lot of first time moms that I speak with face this issue, and it’s easy to go in a downward spiral, isn’t it, particularly when you’re getting started in your parenting journey.

If you can relate to this, then you are going to find what Blanka Falk my guest in this episode has to say very interesting. Blanka is the host of the Renew Motherhood podcast and a mom of four located in Germany who faced her biggest challenge when child number four came along.

During our chat, you’ll hear us talk about the importance of going within and getting in touch with your intuition. The importance of being 100 percent present for your baby and how it will help deepen the bond between you for life. Being honest and allowing yourself to be vulnerable and accepting that you don’t always have the answers and so, so much more.

Hi Blanka and welcome to First Time Mum’s Chat. I’m delighted to have you here and I’m looking forward to chatting with you about your parenting experiences. So can you introduce yourself and tell us a bit about your background?

Blanka Falk: Thank you Helen, thank you so much for having me here. I really Enjoy it, it’s a pleasure to be on your podcast. My name is Blanka Falk and I’m from Germany. I have got four children now between 9 and 19 years old and I just can remember the first time that I became a mother and being there with my little baby after the birth.

Straight after this, there was a moment when just everything falls down and I just felt overwhelmed. My first thought was really, wow, how can I deal with this and I’m probably the only mom in the world who’s not able to deal with it. So no one is talking about this and I thought, okay, everyone can do it except for me.

I was a tax consultant before my children and very rational thinking and not so many emotions and now I just dropped into motherhood, with a lot of emotions coming up and I was probably not able to deal with it at the first time when everything just popped up. So yes, it was a stretching moment, it was a stretching time. Not only a moment, but the next weeks and months were so challenging for me.

Helen Thompson: So, a lot of mums tell me what you’ve just said, am I the only mum that’s going through this, I’m obviously not doing it right or whatever else. You’re not the only one, this does happen. You’re definitely not the only one, So congratulations for getting through it. I think that’s really important that you actually did get through it and you’re still here today and you’ve still got that wonderful connection with your children.

You’ve gone through it and you’ve been there so you can look back and you can laugh and you can say that was a challenge. For a first time mom that’s going through that, what would you recommend to that mom?

Blanka Falk: Well, it’s first, to go back into your intuition and to let go the outside. We are so conditioned to look on the outside and what others expect from us to be the happy mom, to be, yes, now the happy person with a first time baby, everything went the right way. So you are healthy. the baby is healthy, there shouldn’t be any issue. Everyone should celebrate and you just feel, Oh, I can’t and no one is looking on the inside. That’s the shift because you haven’t been in this situation before from not being a mother to being a mother and this is a personal development and no one is talking about this. Oh, not so many people. I hadn’t heard about this before I got my first baby. No one was talking about personal development as a mom. So I thought, okay I’m the only one who is strange here and going through those challenging moments because what I felt really was the huge responsibility to have a life that I am now responsible for.

I know how to deal with it for my own life, I know what I have to do or shouldn’t do to get to stay healthy and to do the right things but with this newborn that is actually not able to tell me their insight, how they feel, what they need. So I really had to get to know, to understand my baby.

This was really the place when I thought, okay, I was supported by my husband a lot and he said take all the time you need. Just stay with your baby and take all the time you need to get connected and to get into the feeling and to get into your intuition and to understand the situation.

I think this is a wonderful place to be, to really say, okay, taking the time, let the outside be the outside, it doesn’t matter for these moments. So there is nothing you have to do for anyone else instead of being just with your baby, where you can grow and where you can expand and where you can bond with your baby.

Helen Thompson: Yeah, I like that. I know some moms find that incredibly hard sometimes. As you say, it’s something new, you haven’t experienced this before, everybody says, Oh yes, you’ve got a new baby. You have to respond and do what you want to do but sometimes a mom just doesn’t know how to do that. Babies don’t come with instruction manuals.

Blanka Falk: Yes, right.

Helen Thompson: We all expect a mom just to click in and just get on with it. So one of the key points I picked up there was that you said you learned through your intuition and you went with that. You said in connection. I teach baby massage, so I’m very, very. in tune with baby connection and supporting moms to connect and be in tune with their babies and touch and talk to their babies and have eye contact with their babies.

As a first time mom with your first child, particularly, did you find that a hard thing to do, to have that interaction with the bonding, with the connection and the body language as well, and looking into their eyes. Did you find that hard?

Blanka Falk: Again, it’s outside against inside. We are so conditioned to only focus on the outside that this part of getting into a connection from the inside is just a challenge. I was in the situation where, when every time I was going on the outside, I got health issues. So I was forced from my body to step into my inside and when I was able to do this, everything felt good. Of course, I was distracted and of course, I’m not perfect, so I did it again and again and again, until really, it was a process to learn to say, Okay, I have to let go what’s going on outside, just to stay focused on the inside.

What I mean is really, you said it right, to get the eye contact, to observe my baby. And even if it’s sleeping, to observe the movements, those little movements about coming in, the hand above or a little smile on the face or whatever. If you are able to step into this, these moments, your heart expands. You just feel love and you just feel, wow, it’s so incredible, incredible, cute and it gives a lot and it gives a lot back and there is this energy exchange. I would describe it as an energy exchange because you are focusing on your baby and your baby gives it back to you.

So this is such a wonderful path, it’s not easy to do. No, not at all, because again, we are so coming from the outside and so conditioned to look, yes, to read books about it, to watch shows about it, to talk about it. What are you doing, what is she doing? It doesn’t matter what anyone else is doing, it’s your baby. It’s your path and it’s so individual. The only thing you have to do, to embrace is your child, your baby and this is a task enough, it seems so easy!

Helen Thompson: It’s really interesting you say that because I know what it’s like when you have a baby that just is screaming for food and you’re sleep deprived and you’re just thinking, Oh, what do I do? Those very special moments I think are really important and having that connection and giving yourself the opportunity to see your baby responding to that connection I think is really important. It’s getting that connection and actually looking at your baby and getting that eye contact and asking them. They will tell you if they don’t want to respond and you’ll tell yourself if you don’t want to respond and they’ll pick up on those cues So having that powerful connection as you said and getting in tune with yourself and stepping back and just saying to yourself, okay, I’m a mom for this baby, this is my unique baby, and I don’t want to go onto Facebook and look at what everybody else is doing, because my baby is unique, and I’m unique, so I need to do what’s working for me, so what you’re saying is when you were in that situation, you just put blinkers on and just focus on yourself, your baby and getting each other’s support. Supporting that baby and watching for those cues, even when they’re asleep, you can see what they’re doing when they’re asleep. When they wake up, if you say to them, good morning, how was your sleep?

People think I’m crazy when I say that but I do think it, it helps you as a mother to connect with yourself and to be with yourself because you’re learning yourself how to cope with the baby and you talked about your intuition and I’m just going by my own experience here. You talk about your intuition and you’re saying, right, well, this is new to me but if you talk out loud to how you’re feeling and then ask for the baby’s response, you’ll be amazed by what happens.

Blanka Falk: Absolutely, yes, I totally agree with you. I think it was my fourth baby, you know you have got three babies and you think, okay, now I get it.

Helen Thompson: Mm hmm. Mm hmm.

Blanka Falk: So I know about this, I know about that but now another challenge is coming. My fourth one was the one who screamed a lot and I wasn’t able to, I wouldn’t say stop her, but of course you feel helpless as a mom when you know you have done everything and it’s still screaming. So I know these moments when I just took my baby on my arms and just going inside the room up and down and up and down and talking to her. I didn’t stop talking to her, I don’t know what to do. Please, I have done everything and I don’t know how I can help you now and you know what, she’s now nine years old and she’s still got these moments that she has to cry. Now I’m able to talk to her and we are able to get into a little conversation on her level and she says, mom, I don’t know why, I just have to scream and I say, okay, it’s okay to scream, it’s okay to cry because these tears are clearing your soul. So she did this from the early beginning as a baby. So it hurts in these moments as a mom, but you’re not doing anything wrong and you can’t do it wrong if you take your baby and hold it and explain, Hey, I don’t know what you have, I just can hold you. I can just be with you and nothing else. She says, mom, you’re the best, you’re the best because you’re always there. This is what I think it’s very crucial to, if I can look back now, I know I have done everything what I could and she was able to accept what I did and she says it was wonderful and probably, I don’t know, I couldn’t do anything more. It was her job, it is her life, it is her uniqueness to go through those challenging moments, to grow, to develop herself and to step into her life.

Helen Thompson: I think you as a mother taught her that, by communicating with her and just telling her the truth and saying, look, I really don’t know what to do, I need your help, I need your support. Telling a baby these things, it’s great, I think it’s really important because they do hear you and they do respond to your own reactions. If they see you distressed in a loving way and not screaming and shouting at them and being honest with them, that’s so crucial. I would say to any mom, if they’re struggling with their baby, just take that time, just gently talk to your baby, pick them up and say, look, I know you’re crying, I know you’re distressed, I’ve changed your diaper, I fed you, I’ve put you down for a rest and you don’t want that. I’ve tried to play with you and you don’t want that. So all I can do is just hold you until you calm down and let me know what you want and take a big, deep breath at the end of that and they feel that. They’ll sense that breath and they’ll think, oh, OK, mum’s a bit confused right now, but I’m a bit confused now, but she still loves me.

Blanka Falk: Right, yeah. That’s the connection I think that you can build and that you can develop with your baby and yes, we have got a brilliant connection now. We are all personalities and this shows up from the very first beginning. Sometimes we’re not aware of this. Sometimes we think, yes, it’s just a baby and it has to develop and we will see what kind of personality, but no, they bring everything with them on earth. So, of course it grows, and it might change, but usually, if you can look at the picture from a baby, and then a little child, and then an older child, you can still see those characters inside of the face, they don’t change.

Helen Thompson: mm, mm,

Blanka Falk: The side might be the same and you say, hey, you have always had this side, always had this smile, it’s a kind of personality.

Helen Thompson: Yes, that’s right and I think you’re a first time mom to every child. Every child that you have you’re a first time mom to. You said you struggled with your first and the other two were fine but then the fourth one you struggled again. You took on that challenge and I really admire you and every mom that does that because it’s a huge change. It’s easier said than done to say to a mom, just go within yourself, put on blinkers and just forget about what’s going on in the outside world and focus on yourself and your baby. If you focus on yourself first, they say on aeroplanes, give oxygen to yourself first before you give it to others. It’s not that easy for a mom to hear that. It’s practical, but it’s not that easy.

You’ve highlighted it really well in how you communicated with your child when she was going through that and I hope that helps other mums who are going through the same issue. It’s not meant to be an easy ride for some children. Some moms have a very easy ride and some moms don’t, and there is nothing wrong with it if you don’t have an easy ride. You’ve just got to take that big, deep breath in and just be with your child.

Blanka Falk: Absolutely and I also would say, don’t compare to anyone else. Don’t compare because if you look at those who have got an easy ride, they have, but it’s their life. You don’t know what will happen to them, what challenges will show up for them, so just because they are now having a good time, doesn’t mean they always will have in their lives. So don’t compare to them.

Helen Thompson: Mm.

Blanka Falk: Just look at your life and look how you can go through this because I think we always get tasks in our life and it’s up to us to say, okay, let’s go for this or reject it, but if you reject your tasks, they won’t disappear, you will get another task. So as long as you have learned about this, as you have learned from it, to really to go through it because we’re here to learn and we’re here to give and I think let’s just look at our lives and we have got a lot to do with this.

Helen Thompson: I definitely agree with you. Is there any final tip from your own experience from what we’ve talked about that you haven’t mentioned that you’d like to add?

Blanka Falk: Yes, I would say be patient. Be patient with yourself. Don’t expect too much from yourself. Just go little steps. Be patient with yourself and with your family, with your baby, with your husband or your partner. So, everyone who is in your close environment, just step into the patience, it’s always just a short time and then it will change. So just go for these little steps, one step after another. Don’t make a huge jump, just the little steps and you will see it will pass. The challenges will pass and everything turns to the right place.

Helen Thompson: And they’ll connect like you did with your child. Thank you for sharing that. And you’ve got your wonderful podcast that I was fortunate enough to be interviewed on recently. I’ll include a link to where people can find this in the show notes. So if any of the mums listening would like to find out more about you and what you do, how would they go about doing that?

Blanka Falk: Yes, my podcast is called Renew Motherhood. So I like to inspire and encourage moms to step into their motherhood, to be inspired what they can do for themselves and how they can develop themselves. I like to do this with just amazing guests like you, Helen. You have been on my podcast, I’m so grateful and other people too.

So everyone has got his story and to overcome her challenges and by just listening to it, just get inspired how you can develop your own success, your own development. People can reach out to me, I’m on YouTube, I’m on Apple podcasts and Spotify and yes, of course on social media, Instagram. Well, Instagram is a little difficult because I’m in there with my book. I have published a book in German. So it’s Hilfe – Ich werde Mutter: oder wie Muttersein das Leben verändert und Mutterglück beschert . I’m on Facebook and on LinkedIn as well. So with my name Blanka Falk.

Helen Thompson: So just a quick question before we go. You said you’d had a book, you said the name in German. What is it in English or is it too hard to translate?

Blanka Falk: No, these are my experiences with my kids and I called it help I become a mother.

Helen Thompson: Hmm, I like the name of that. That’s actually very intriguing from what we were talking about.

Blanka Falk: Yeah, absolutely.

Helen Thompson: is it going to be in English or only in German?

Blanka Falk: I have already translated it. It’s not edited and it’s not published, but surely I will do this in English too.

Helen Thompson: When you do, please let me know, because it would be interesting to read and put it in the show notes.

Thank you so much for being on the podcast Blanka and also thank you for having me on yours and thank you so much for your time, it’s been a pleasure talking to you.

Blanka Falk: Thank you to have me here as a guest. Thank you very much.

Helen Thompson: Thanks mums, you’re amazing and I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you’re looking for support and guidance as you commence your parenting journey, then I highly recommend subscribing to Blanka’s Renew Motherhood podcast right now. I’ll include links to it in the show notes.

In the next episode, I’ll be doing another Q&A around the topics of postpartum, anxiety and depression. So if you haven’t done so already, make sure that you hit the subscribe button.